Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
