then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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