im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she smelled like a LAN party
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
