every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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