how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Girls should come with a carfax report
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
