Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
