You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
