I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
