I'm so fucking centered right now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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