I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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