How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
