there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
