Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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