happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
