I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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