Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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