then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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