I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
