somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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