I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize