My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
