so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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