I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize