The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
