She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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