Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This baby is an asshole
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
