Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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