The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
