At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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