i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
