i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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