WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
