Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just blew my weed a kiss
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
