I wish my penis had an off switch
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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