Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
soo... how was my night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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