Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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