My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
