filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ladies don't puke and tell
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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