you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
