u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
