i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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