The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
