We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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