i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
