Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
