I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
