the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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