i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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