So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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