I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
