Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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