Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I touched a dick in church today
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
