He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
