at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
