You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
