he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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