If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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