he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
