you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
