im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize