I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Even my vagina gasped.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
