Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
